Do you Feel like your Relationship has Become a Battle Ground?
Does Your Relationship Seem More Distant Each Day?
How Is It Possible to Change-Conflict-Into-Intimacy?
You might be scratching your head wondering "How is it possible to turn change-conflict-into-intimacy".
You’re on your way home from a long day at work dreading walking in the door;what will be the mood of our once exciting home? Will I be greeted with excitement or will some small comment turn into a giant conflict?
What am I going to do? My life has turned into a stressful nightmare. Will I ever get out?
Change-conflict-into-intimacy, it will never happen.
It may seem impossible but it CAN happen with a commitment to face looking inward to what you feel and be willing to have challenging conversations with your partner.
Three Major Steps to Change-Conflict-Into-Intimacy
Step One; Change-Conflict-into-Intimacy
What is Intimacy and How do We Get There
Intimacy is basically the level of connection that each partner in a relationship feels toward the other.There are many different ways that people connect and become attached. These areas can include physical attachment, emotional attachment, sexual compatibility,intellectual connection as well as spacial needs.
Relationships by nature are complected.Most couples do not want to feel they will be abandoned by the other, yet the majority of individuals do not want to lose there individuality and become lost in the relationship. More often then not partners have different perceptions about the same situation and have different needs they wish the other partner to meet.
Due to these differences conflict is inherent in relationships.These conflicts can chip away at loving feelings and turn into bickering and fighting. This can erode the core of the relationship until finally, all the warm loving passion is gone.
The intention of this page is to explore conflicts and give a step by step way the change of conflict into emotional intimacy which than allows for warm connected feelings of attachment to intensify and other forms of intimacy that can develop out of it.
Many people become afraid of emotional intimacy. Do you hear yourself thinking? I don't my partner to know about this because he will judge me? Or if I do what I really want to do will my partner start to nag me about what I have not done. Do you ever notice yourself avoiding leting your partner know what you are thinking feeling or doing for fear the interaction over it will be to unpleasant to deal with.
Emotional Intimacy is really letting another person into your world and making it safe for each to talk to the other in an open honest manner. The first step in the making change-conflict-into-intimacy. Is really understanding and creating a safe environment in which you and your partner can really get to know each other.
The hardest part of this is how two people can do this as most of us our so frightened that others will get to know us they will run for the hills.
In addition those endearing qualities that brought us together,after a while have become annoying and we want the other to be just like us.
As time goes on couples become critical of the others behavior. They stop listening to each other. They project meaning into the others behavior which may not even be their partner's intent. This environment which was once filled with fun and laughter is UNSAFE. No one wants to be told what to do or criticized. Most people's self esteem is not strong enough to tolerate this environment and still maintain loving feelings toward their partner.
Step Two Change-Conflict-into-Intimacy
Making the Environment Safe
Each of these steps logically may seem very easy but emotionally can be very difficult especially because all of us bring much of our own issues into a relationship, which usually gets played out over and over.
To create a safe environment in which you and your partner can begin to know each other and feel free to talk to each other takes four very difficult parts.
The first part is remembering that a relationship is made up of two individuals who are different.
Each person has a their own biology including brain structure and brain chemistry,body weight,physical abilities as well as challenges. Each partner's unique brain has it's slight variations which can contribute to difference in temperament,strengths and challenges.
Psychologically, each partner has grown up in a family which has its own problems and hopefully positive aspects.Social and emotional experiences as well are specific to the individual. Each partner has developed through there lives with their own experiences including friends, teachers, as well as positive experiences and traumas.All of this and more has shaped each partner to become who they are and has contributed to their own way of being in the world.
This is a lot to deal with. Most partners have wishes that their special person will attend to their needs. Often this is not possible, which can trigger early frustrations of unmet needs.
To make a safe environment to allow each partner to be open with the other all of these differences need to be taken into account.
To create this safe environment a couple will need to open their mind and their heart. It involves trying to really understand the other person's perspective rather than judging.
Additionally, learning to value each persons own perception rather than their being a right way and a wrong way to do things.Other parts of creating this environment include trying to have compassion rather than blame and to suspend some of the rules that each partner has held as the right way to do things.
THIS IS A TALL ORDER!However if this environment can be achieved through time it will set the scene for the deepest emotional intimacy to take place.
Step Three; Change-Conflict-into-Intimacy
Talking, Listening and trying to Understand Your Partner.Agree to Disagree\ Rather than Proclaimations Have Conversations
If you thought step two was hard step three is even harder. It is important to remember that these types of changes take a long time. It is a journey not a getting to a fast destination.
From the time we are young children we long to be seen, heard,understood and valadated.
In order to have an open conversation to change-conflict-into-intimacy, the discussion MUST allow for these elements:
1.One partner talks at a time.
2.Ask the partner to clarify any words that are vaque.
3.Try not to get defensive, remember this is your partners point of view.
4.Allow the other partner to respond
5.Try not to interrupt and listen
6.If you can discuss your feeling without much charge especially anger than discuss how you feel.
7. If you find yourselves getting angry, defensive or starting to blame the other. See if you and your partner can stop the discussion
8.Give each other space and time for the emotional charge to defuse
10.When both of you are ready try to continue the conversation.
When couples listen, see and validate the other the more they will open up to their partner. Warm and loving feelings come back. Physical affection begins to return as well as sexuality. Couples may begin to communicate more of their sexual needs which can make for better sex. All of this restores the bonds and although it takes time and effort, it is usually the work of a very healthy relationship.